Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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