Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
