So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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