I just pynch a tree in the face
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
