the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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