I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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