Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
