He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
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