just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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