He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
reminds me of losing my job
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.