I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.