i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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