If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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