I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
