took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
