Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
