she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
