Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
