When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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