Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
