So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
