I want to walk on stilts...naked
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize