well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
