Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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