I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
