I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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