I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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