Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
