my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
