Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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