my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
