The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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