First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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