You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
