Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
The best revenge is premature balding
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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