Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
