Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
