I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
