I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
