They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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