The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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