I can tuck mytits in my pants
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
