I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
And then my night got REAL pukey
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
