Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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