rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
