i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
