please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
