Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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