you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Randomize
