I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
