You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
