I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
