i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
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at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
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That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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