oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
