dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
