We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize